Conan The Barbarian (DNF)
Conan and his low-wit friend are telling each other about their favorite god and how it is better than the other guys' and nobody gets really bent out of shape about it. Then they find a town or as they call it "civilization", and decide it is too crowded and smelly so they go back out to the country like good barbarians.
Jackass 3 (3/5)
3 stars for superbly conceived slow motion opening and closing scenes. Then we have the middle where a certain camera operator seems to vomit a lot. Wouldn't they want to vet the stomach of the guy capturing their grotesqueness, or is this part of the gag (I always intend my puns).
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2/5)
There is a lot going on here that doesn't belong and, aside from the quickly diminishing Jack Sparrowisms, is quite a tragic film that refuses to end.
This week in stupid intellectual property.
My understanding is, that even if Best Western should lose their status as the largest chain, this trademark would prevent the new number one from ever advertising the claim in this specific language. And of course, the pillow graphic is a wise lock down too.
Bangkok Dangerous (5/5)
The most fucking totally sweet assassin film since Léon: The Professional. No one but Cage could have ever pulled off this massive role with such aplomb. God, I just can't believe how perfect and awesome the experience was. I am writing this review before the second reel, that is how confident I am. I know you think I am kidding because of the awful trailer, premise, cast, title. The most underrated film of whatever year it came out. Where were ...
The Adjustment Bureau (2/5)
I'm almost certain that using real celebrities in film like Jon Stewart as Jon Stewart, is a distraction and not necessary. Matt Damon is playing a fake person and Stewart isn't--it's just weird. I won't miss the Larry King interviews either--real or fake. Now that he's retired, Charlie Rose holds the title of most worst mainstream interviewer. An interesting concept thanks to Mr. Dick, tacky score thanks to Mr. Newman, heavy-handed exposition ...
Thor (4/5)
You can count the bleach blond heroes on one finger (Wesley); villains, however come in all shades of yellow. It is shorthand for weakness and deception for some reason and we aren't going to take it any more. Now thanks to Thor we have an enjoyable second sword-wielding, ass-whoopin', towhead. I didn't care for the love story, fumbling flirting was far enough, and the galactic costumes were quite embarrassing, but I'd pay to see this again.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell Of Fear (DNF)
This is enjoyable if you are a young boy with a paper route, generously intoxicated, or have extremely low self-worth and no access to any other form of entertainment. (The three previous times in my life that this crap series was enjoyed.)
This week in stupid intellectual property.
Those clever people over at Coke--er, Odwalla--are chock full of groundbreaking ideas. (The other side of the same carefully protected bottle.)
Blue Valentine (2/5)
A couple gets a divorce; a guy loses his hair and his idealism. Best closing titles I've seen in a while (if you can make it that far). At least Black Swan had fun dancing scenes and attractive people making out.