Fireproof vs. Avatar

Posted on 2 Oct 2012

I’m supposed to love my enemy. Very well, let me take inventory. My immediate ancestors weren’t grossly wronged by anyone (to the contrary actually), I’ve never given much worry to Arab terrorists, the Chinese economy, immigrants, Nancy Grace, Nickleback, Tim Tebow, that guy in Florida who threatens to burn holy books. Homophobia is an enemy of sorts. Monsanto is quite evil, but they can’t hate all farmers that takes too much effort and they seem too idiotic. Of course, massively rich investment bankers are monsters—unless they pay for the new SuperSonics. Rush Limbaugh is literally a jackass. Bill Maher is obnoxious as well, just so you know I’m fair. Kirk Cameron is probably the chief enemy of Christian taste now that the Painter of Light drank himself away. I actually enjoy Kirk’s propaganda films as a chance to externalize my disgust with Christian camp. Thanks to bit torrent I don’t have to feel guilty about supporting his mission. (I’m ambivalent about bit torrent, I do want Kirk to make more films but only for my enjoyment, and not to discourage Christians to the tune of $35M). Mark Driscoll is a local undesirable and an enemy of the worst sort in that he is mostly indistinguishable from me. We are WASPs who wear nice jeans and watch TV. Oh, I think he is grossly wrong on very many things, but I have to believe he is also doing much good—I have to. This isn’t meant to sound like a patronizing defense, but the friends and family who attend and believe in his church are all fine people. I mean they all paid ten bucks to see Avatar, despite direct, informed counsel. No sycophants.

Which brings me to an enemy I can’t shake: my former church. I loved it so, once upon a time. I joined early; a true believer. Knowing each others’ stories was the priority. That was soon secondary to growth, which cost many staff, myself included, who couldn’t keep up the facade that our love was real. It wasn’t. Being cool was real. Popularity was real. Being a “Quester” was real. I’ll admit, going to a cool church for the first time felt nice. It wasn’t uncommon to cut and frame newspaper articles about ourselves, brag about a particularly popular church blog post from the pulpit, or note any other celebrity cachet. They had me convinced Bono was a good role model for socially-minded Christian pastors, I don’t think that anymore.

As it is, I am still bitter. I still want them to fail. I ride my bike past their new bigger building on the way to work. Pedaling by, I mumble half-hearted words of forgiveness. I know my bitterness is far worse than the truth of their transgressions. It often is with prolonged resentment. I wish I didn’t care, but they say apathy is akin to hate. Perhaps this spewing forth is a move towards healing.

As such, my music community would be what it is, born from such experience and disappointment. Our ideal wouldn’t succumb to the temptation of being cool, being relevant. Fuck relevance. (Not easy, of course I want to be liked.) The modus operandi: rotating venues, limited promotion, no biography, no formal pictures, no church affiliation, no denomination, we wouldn’t even have a Facebook page. (We have a Facebook page now.)

So, just this month, we begin a residency at a single venue; a partnership with a church, a denomination, a leadership team, structure, format. Granted, they aren’t a massive, encroaching, Seattle institution who will bruise our fragile artist egos, they are a small congregation in a very big building, who are most happy to have us. Point being, while I still don’t care much for big, popular, religious things, I think this partnership is a healthy act of submission to something that is not all bad, that may still hurt us, confuse us, or ask us to do things we don’t love. We think it is worth the risk.

And then we will become popular and cool and ruin someone else’s hope for community. We never said we were perfect is the rejoinder, if I recall the last words as the door hit my ass on the way out. Ech.

University Christian is also open and affirming, which is sadly not the case in my community. Oh delicate priorities.

I forgive you church.

4 Replies to "Fireproof vs. Avatar"

  • sara
    3 Oct 2012 (10:18)

    I was discovering your music just as I embarked on a journey with a Christian missions organization last year, and now I rediscover it as I work through the bitterness and disillusionment that resulted from those 8 months overseas. Your words about the church resonate, because they are very nearly where I am at.

    Thanks for helping lead us away from big, popular, religious things. The church needs this.

    • Zadok
      3 Oct 2012 (11:14)

      Sara, sorry to hear of it. And, hopeful that your process takes you to new and beautiful places. I did YWAM for a year and it was a mess. Much good, much weird.

  • sarbro
    3 Oct 2012 (11:20)

    yikes, buddy. may love wash all that anger & bitterness down your drain.

  • LP
    24 Oct 2012 (14:15)

    Thanks for writing this. I always wondered why you left.

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