Don’t get any big ideas.
Posted on 26 Aug 2008
Just finished my final paper for graduate school and the moment wasn’t met with quite the pomp & circumstance I had envisioned. Fortunately, this is the last year they’re letting students walk and then take summer courses as I just did. You walk, you leave, don’t let the door hit yer ass on the way out. Much better system. That isn’t to say my last classes were poorly taught or boring, I just didn’t have the same will to scrap around for answers especially when the majority of my classmates were daring first years who enjoy slinging turds off the walls. I’m more interested in painting them at this stage (the walls, not the turds–ah hell, why not the turds too).
I really should have dropped out after year one; not much new was uncovered in years two and three for this tired soul. After the initial crack and ooze, I managed to squelch most opportunities for permanent change by retreading the same mantric excuses I have long since perfected. I am still profoundly disappointed with God and myself. I just wish God were more attractive. I have a sense of life without God and it is certainly miserable, but it is only slightly worse than the hoping, doubting, preening, and guessing that made up my life of faith.
Mars Hill Grad has a clear hope for all of its students: to help you know and love your story, so you may know and love others. Well, I know my story and I hate it. Such a stance makes it difficult to care for others’ stories. So, on my worst days (chalk up today among them), I look back at my graduate work with cloudy bemusement and ashamed of another long and costly attempt at fixing this life. I can say that I am no longer afraid of people with differing beliefs. That seems good–I think. Not sure if it is a result of genuine security, nihilism, or just passive pluralism. So it goes, with each option spent comes another measure of hopelessness.
Oh what to do next… I think I have the makings for a mule.
“Nude” by Radiohead
Don’t get any big ideas they’re not gonna happen
You paint yourself white and fill up the holes,
But there’ll be something missing
Now that you’ve found it, it’s gone
Now that you feel it, you don’t
You’ve gone off the rails
So don’t get any big ideas they’re not gonna happen
You’ll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking
L-Brit
12 Sep 2008 (00:31)
Yo. I’m reading and liking, even the bad/’worst’ days, maybe especially those. I think that you’ll laugh satirically/sardonically/sarcastically (wow, gotta love those words!) but yeah…favourite line:
“I have a sense of life without God and it is certainly miserable, but it is only slightly worse than the praying, hoping, doubting, and guessing that made up my life of faith.”
Love that new graphic at the top. Nice choice.
Holly G
14 Oct 2008 (04:19)
god i love that song.
you’re cool man.