Buried under sadness and guilt.
Posted on 24 Jul 2007
Last night found me viewing pornography; the following morning I badly tweaked my back bending over to tie my shoes. My first thought: God is unhappy with me and is reminding me of my status as a sinful, prideful, nasty little creature. Why not? Blessings for obedience, curses for disobedience. I think they call it justice.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have an hour with Jesus every year or so. I’d ask my questions and he’d tell me how the answers aren’t easy and I’d be ok with that. Then perhaps he’d tell me this condemnation is not his hope for me; that the devil has a God-mask and dons it whenever things go south. Hard to believe though. I prefer the punitive God who gives us what we deserve. Behavior over relationship, any time.
&josepharthurs_falsetto
“Innocent World“
nova
26 Jul 2007 (00:59)
you’re not the only one who finds more comfort in God’s wrath than in his grace and love. grace pierces our pride, which ain’t so fun.
my understanding of God of the Bible is that he is angered more of hubris than weakness; an omniscient God knows full well that we are weak and in need of him. moreover, it doesn’t take omniscience to know that we are all broken and in need of grace/love; we know this of ourselves and each other as well. so what of this belief that we can replace our need for his and each others’ grace by behavior modification? grace is not a curse; it is a gift. and love is not even a gift, it is a consequence of humanity; without its existence, ours ceases.
i’m sorry to hear about your hurt back. that sucks. :(
greg
26 Jul 2007 (16:30)
Zadok — you know I don’t believe in “the Devil”, but if there is a Devil, I would guess the way he embodies himself in your life is through the torture you inflict on yourself via your mind and it’s self-judgment.
I kind of feel like a big cheese ball giving you this advice, but maybe the pain in your back is telling you
“just chill, dude.”
Zadok
27 Jul 2007 (12:50)
Everything I needed to know about God came from gracious and loving people such as you two (and perhaps a little Seminar). Thank you for the words and insights, I wasn’t expecting much response this time around, and you two are light to me.
sarbro
27 Jul 2007 (17:18)
it’s clear that “karma” isn’t 100% functioning in our world (i.e., good people get cancer and die, bad people get away with lots of crap), so why is it so tempting to assume that God would use some kind of karma (if we do something bad, we get something bad)? maybe because we understand how that works better than we understand grace?
jen
31 Jul 2007 (07:49)
you are loved, zadok.
Anonymous
1 Aug 2007 (20:47)
you certainly are loved, and held and seen and needed…. always…just as you are.